The Vagina Monologues' St. Valentine's Day Massacre at Notre Dame: An open letter to Fr. Jenkins

Rev. John Jenkins
President of Notre Dame
University of Notre Dame/Main Building
Notre Dame, IN 46556

Dear Fr. John,

My friends at The Cardinal Newman Society informed me that after a one-year hiatus, the diabolically-inspired Vagina Monologues has made its way back on campus. Granted, I understand you are not "sponsoring" it (the Anthropology and Sociology Departments are actually doing that), so (in your mind anyway) it is not considered an "official university-sponsored activity." Still, I have to admit, Father, it sounds to me a lot like a Catholic politician saying, "while I am personally opposed to abortion, I do not want to legislate my views on others," in other words; a lot of "sound and fury, signifying nothing." But maybe, as a daily Mass Catholic, I'm just overly sensitive.

Then again, maybe not. In addition to The Cardinal Newman Society, I just read that the United States Bishops Committee on Doctrine which was scheduled to have a conference at Our Lady's university starting on Feb. 11, the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes (which I trust is still a special day at Notre Dame, considering the lasting place your Lourdes replica grotto has in the hearts of both alumni and students), pulled out of their Notre Dame reservations both at their disgust of the play being held on campus, and in deference to your bishop, John D’Arcy (who called V-M "offensive to women" and "antithetical to Catholic teaching") and are instead meeting at a local convent outside of South Bend.

I know, I know. You would insist the real issue here is free speech, and just because this play glorifies lesbianism, upholds group masturbation as a dogma, and calls a girl's lesbian rape her "salvation" and "heaven," doesn't mean The V-Monologues is the equivalent of screaming "fire" in a crowded theatre, or "F*** Jesus" in Sacred Heart Church, as the case may be. And you have always preached that Notre Dame must allow free expression of ideas, even those contrary to the Faith, if it is to be a true leader in national, indeed, international university education, and thus, The V-Monologues stays—or is at least allowed to return.

Well, maybe you're right, Father, but something about that "leader" stuff still feels wrong. After all, Fr. McBrien's heresy has become old hat, and although pressure from people like the bishops and The Cardinal Newman Society have reduced the number of Catholic universities showing The V-M by almost half, there are still eighteen other allegedly loyal-to-Rome colleges presenting this decidely un-Christian play, so your presentation is no longer noteworthy in that regard. So if you really want to stand out, Father, why not keep the "Monologues" ... but hire Dana Jacobson to play the lead role? That foul-mouthed vodka-toting ESPN commentator has made a name for herself by blaspheming the sacred names of Christ and Notre Dame (again, something you thought not significant enough to personally rebuke, but your underling's statement of disagreement proved so mild that head football coach Charlie Weis finally had to step in and properly denounce the attack and defend Notre Dame's honor) and Dana would be perfect to make that play come alive. For, if Rudy Ruettiger was born to lead the Notre Dame players out of the stadium tunnel, then (according to your logic) Dana Jacobson was born to play that hateful lesbian role on Our Lady's campus. You'd have to admit, Father, that THAT would be a performance of The Vagina Monologues that no other actress on any other Catholic campus could ever live up to—and a rendition of the play that no orthodox president of a Catholic university could ever live down.

Now I've left you with much to think (and hopefully pray) about, Father, but before I go, please allow this loyal son of Notre Dame one final observation. If, on the eve of March 26 (the first day of The V-Monologues' scheduled Notre Dame performance), you look up in the sky and see the Lady on the Dome appear to cry, know that it is not due to the weather. It is Our Lady expressing Her right of free speech, in that silent manner that only Our Mother has obediently mastered.

God's grace and Mary's prayers,
Tom O'Toole, Class of '81

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Weis Gets Decisive, Denounces Dana Jacobson: Will trade play-calling for leadership

Charlie Weis announced two important decisions Friday; one professional, the other personal. The first was Charlie's choice to abdicate his role as offensive play-caller to be a better overall leader. The second was to publicly decry ESPN host Dana Jacobson's drunken diatribe (which included such ungodly slurs as "F*** Notre Dame," and "F*** Jesus") that occurred at a roast for Mike Golic (former ND football student and current ESPN commentator) that Weis attended.

First, the football news. While Weis has commonly been called by sportswriters an "offensive guru," and did concur somewhat with this sentiment by admitting Friday, "play-calling is my greatest strength," he later elaborated. "But ... I'm also the head coach. And when you're play-calling an offense, you might not necessarily be the best head coach." Indeed, Weis found this out the hard way last season, as not only did the best plays flounder when players fail to block or drop balls, but when the defense and special teams also spin out of control, as merely an offensive play-caller, there's little you can do about it. And, even in his first two seasons, when Charlie had the horses to turn the Irish into a top ten offense, the other two facets of his football team lagged too far behind for Notre Dame to be a serious title contender.

Sure it is a gamble. Certainly critics will say that Charlie, by giving up his greatest strength, will no longer be able to mold average college quarterbacks and receivers such as Brady Quinn and Jeff Samardzija into NFL caliber players, and the Notre Dame passing game will go back down the toilet too. And yet, maybe a man like Weis knows that mentoring young men can be done in other ways besides being a "quarterback caddy," and has come to see that total team inspiration is more important than personal offensive innovation.

Weis also took a more personal leadership role by finally speaking out about the "Dana Debacle" publically for the first time. "How did I feel about her comments? I was both personally and professionally offended," Weis said before adding, "And if the situation were reversed, and that were me saying them, two things would have happened. I would have been the lead story on SportsCenter, and I would have been fired."

Now Weis' statements, though not exactly earth shattering, are more important than they initially appear. First of all, while Notre Dame officially for the most part took the ESPN rout and tried to lay these statements to rest, Weis' quotes will again dig this demon up for several more days of heated discussion. More importantly, Weis is not only sacrificing his strength to become more of a leader for the whole football team, but by speaking out on Jacobson, he is now using his leadership role as football coach for the university as a whole as well. For if Rick Majerus' negative "personal" public pro-choice stance cannot but reflect negatively upon St. Louis University, Weis' positive personal stance in defense of Our Lady's (and Her Son's) name will only reflect positively on Notre Dame. If Charlie has the right to take out a player who gives anything less than his best effort for the Irish, he is a right-headed leader to call on the carpet anyone who mocks Our Blessed Mother's school. Well done, Coach Weis! Whatever else the 2008 season holds, know that you have gotten off to a wonderful start.

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Upholding Our Lady's Honor: Defending Notre Dame from "Nostradamus Dana" Jacobson

Not pleased with ESPN's handling of "The Night of the Living Dana" situation, Catholic blogger, Lance Mitchell, wrote to the network himself to express his displeasure, receiving the following response. Lance asked me, as both a Catholic writer and a Notre Dame alumnus, if I thought the reply was adequate.

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Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2008 18:32:23 -0800 (PST)
From: Lance Mitchell
Subject: Re: Dana Jacobson
To: ESPN Viewer Response

How long is she suspended for? She said f*** Notre Dame, f*** Touchdown Jesus, f*** Jesus. The last part of that sounds like an attack on Christianity to me. Your response sounds to me as if she is going to get a slap on the wrist ...

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ESPN Viewer Response askespntv@espn.com wrote:



Thank you for taking the time to write.

Ms. Jacobson's inappropriate comments were delivered in the context of Notre Dame football and its Touchdown Jesus icon. They were wrong and inexcusable, and she was suspended from her duties. Her uncharacteristic behavior was not aimed at a particular religious faith. They took place at an adult-only roast that was not aired on any ESPN outlet.

We appreciate your giving us the opportunity to respond.

Sincerely,
ESPN Viewer Response

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Actually, Lance, not even close. Quite frankly, ESPN's "no-name" e-mail was so flawed (and phony!) that it wouldn't have received a passing grade as a middle-school SAT extended response test, let alone as a public relations statement of a major sports network. Forgetting for a moment the politically-correct-to-the-point-of-being-condescending opening and closing statements, perhaps the main problem with the letter is that it first takes one side of the argument and then the other, thus contradicting itself and leaving its closing "Sincerely" sounding very insincere indeed. Note how the opening apologetic tone, with words like "wrong," "inexcusable," and "inappropriate," is almost immediately undercut with defiant phrases like "not aimed at," "not aired," and "adult only." So what starts out as a "we're really sorry for Dana's embarrassing Vodka-induced blasphemy" apology turns into a "but it really wasn't meant for you, so lighten up and mind your own business" declarative statement.

But besides this major contradiction in tone and explanation, ESPN commits, in an attempt to mitigate both Jacobson's and corporate guilt, many more minor gaffes as well. For example, by referring to the "Word of Life" mural (it's original name), not as the "Touchdown Jesus" mural, but as the "Touchdown Jesus Icon," "Mr. (or Ms.) ESPN Viewer Response," unwittingly admits it is not a silly artwork to be satirized, but a sacred sacramental to be revered. And by saying "F*** Jesus" (note that ESPN, now deathly afraid to air the tape, is no longer denying Dana said this), "was not aimed at a particular religious faith," ESPN, by trying to rid themselves of the rath of 1.1 billion Catholics, are now opening themselves up to the rancor of 2.1 billion Christians instead. And finally, by implying the words "F*** Notre Dame" don't really matter beyond football, they are showing they are either ignorant of history or are, as the new "sports gods of the universe," actually above it—which is in fact the worst prejudice of all.

For if ESPN and Jacobson, in all their supposed game-day preparation, still do not know what "Notre Dame" translates into, I will once more explain it means "Our Lady." She is the Mother of God, (for Catholics) the most merciful woman who ever lived, of whom scripture says, "all nations shall call me blessed" (Luke 1:48). And so, when your female anchor calls Our Lady not blessed, but something completely the opposite, it is a serious slander indeed, and it is akin to slamming Jesus Himself. Furthermore, Fr. Sorin, the founder of Our Lady's university, named it "Notre Dame" specifically so that everything the school did would reflect Mary and give glory to Her Son. In other words, if Dana had defamed, say, "Boston College," PERHAPS her lame excuse would be somewhat justified, for holiness is not specifically part of B.C.'s name. But not Notre Dame. Not at a football game, not at a roast, not ever. And until Jacobson and her network cohorts realize why (in addition to Dana's drunkenness, which was also too easily dismissed) her comments were so wrong, it remains virtually impossible for them to make it right.

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F*** Touchdown Jesus?F****** (Forgive) Dana Jacobson—But first, her penance

Trashing the Catholic Church:
University Style (Pt. 1)

While the good ol' boys of ESPN apparently did a good job of both damage control and cover-up in the case of Dana Jacobson's "mistake" (co-host of ESPN2's "First Take"), eyewitnesses of her drunken anti-Catholic rant are justifiably incensed. Although the tape of her horrible attempt at humor at a roast for ESPN's Mike and Mike (Golic and Greenberg that is) is mysteriously missing, several audience members concurred that Jacobson's rant (who was openly taking slugs from a bottle of Belvedere Vodka while at the podium speaking) included the following: "F*** Notre Dame! F*** Touchdown Jesus! F*** Jesus!"

Now the only excuse/explanation offered was that Golic was an All-American lineman at Notre Dame before his stellar NFL (and ESPN) career, while Jacobson is an alumnus of one of the Irish's most-heated rivals, the University of Michigan. Besides, all's fair when it comes to celebrity roasts, right?

Well apparently enough people in the audience (which included Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis), felt that blasphemy is never in style, for Dana of the Damned was finally booed off the stage. Of course, after Ms. Jacobson had slept off the effects of her 80 proof truth serum, she did offer the following apology: "I am sorry. My remarks about Notre Dame were foolish and insensitive. I respect all religions and did not mean anything derogatory by my poorly chosen words. I also deeply regret the embarrassment I've caused ESPN and Mike and Mike. My actions were inappropriate and in no way represent who I am. I won't make excuses for my behavior, but I do hope I can be forgiven for such a poor lack of judgment."

Somewhat amazingly, reports out of ESPN have their God-hating anchor suspended for only a week, although one suspects this might be based on whether or not the cover-up continues to keep the incident hidden from the Notre Dame (and YouTube) Nation.

Perhaps even more troubling than the shruggin'-the-shoulders attitude of ESPN is the response of Notre Dame itself. After hearing of the incident, university spokesman Dennis Brown concluded, "While we in no way condone Ms. Jacobson's comments, we're aware of the circumstances in which they occurred, and in the interest of forgiveness, trust that she and ESPN will address the matter in an appropriate way."

Considering the furor Golf Channel's Kelly Tilghman's "lynch Tiger Woods" comment (and subsequent hangman's noose magazine cover) caused, I am surprised that these worst of words against Christ and Our Lady have produced barely a ripple. While the ESPN reaction is (to date) much too lenient, I'm not sure that the knee-jerk firing of the new president of "Jerks against Jesus" Jacobson is the most fitting response either. For while I agree with Mr. Brown that the best solution involves forgiveness, in the Catholic world that Dana has so decisively dissed, Dennis knows there is no real forgiveness without penance.

Thus, in the interest of fairness to both sides, Fighting Irish Thomas offers Ms. Jacobson the following penitential options:

Read the powerful apologetic Catholic pamphlet "Pillar of Fire, Pillar of Truth," and either write a research paper disputing its conclusions —or why it made her decide to convert.

Do a documentary on the life of the "lady behind the grotto," St. Bernadette—and either prove why her life of humble service was a fraud—OR why Notre Dame's words to Bernadette, "I am the Immaculate Conception," should fling Jacobson to her knees, beating her breast and begging God's mercy.

Have Dana spend 40 hours kneeling (the more hours during this sub-zero cold, the better) at the Notre Dame grotto, where she must continue to mock Mary and those who come to pray—or become the leader of the 6:45 p.m. Rosary recited there daily.

I figure this way is much fairer to all concerned, for now it will truly be Ms. Jacobson who decides her own fate. For those exercises will either cause her to convert to the Catholic faith, leaving no doubt her apology is sincere, or make her hate of Jesus become so heinous (not to mention public) that there is no way ESPN, or anyone except perhaps the Taliban, would again employ her as an anchor.

Well, Ms. Jacobson, NOW what do you think? Or perhaps, before you decide, you need another drink ...

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